The Pillow Fort Interview

 A fellow lady comedian and my best friend in the whole wide world recently interviewed me, for shits and giggles... shiggles, if you will. This is the real, unedited transcript of that interview. Full disclosure, we were drinking. 

A penguin walks through The door, he's wearing a sombrero, what does he say, and why is he here? 
He says 'can you fix my sombrero' because secretly I run a sombrero repair shoppe. 

If you could have one super power, what would it be?
Every piece of clothing I try on would automatically be in my size.

Really, all the super powers in the world and that's your choice?
Ok. World peace.

That's not a super power.
Ok, then what I said before.

If you could have one magic home appliance, what would it be?
A bed that makes itself.

If you could have three wishes, what would they be?
No bitch. No good comes of wishing.... It's only the moral of every single genie story ever... and the movie BIG. Rest in peace. 

Do you think Tom Hank's is dead?
He died during the filming of castaway, dude. 

He absolutely did not. He's made so many movies since then. How do you not know that?
Fine he died during the filming of the dark knight.

That was Heath Ledger and you are dumb. 
Good news about Tom hanks tho...

(Interviewer opens wine bottle number two, an earthy Oregon Pinot and pours two glasses) 

Can you name three consecutive days without saying Wednesday, Friday or Saturday?
No. 

What book are you currently reading?
dark tower by Stephen King and Cunt by a lady's name I can't remember. She's a feminist cunt, but not like the bad word cunt, it's a term of endearment. She reclaimed the word cunt like the N word, it's a thing. The dark tower movie was horrible by the way, I'm still pretty broken up about it. 

How do you feel about sexting?
Gross. I feel gross about it. 

Grossest part of the male body?
Smells

(Interviewer and interviewee clanked glasses.)

Favorite movie?
Jurassic park... That movie really stood the test of time, Jeff Goldbloom! Amiright! Second runner up; weekend at Bernies. Jeff Goldbloom is not in that movie so it can't be my first favorite, despite being an objectively better movie.

Favorite channel or program to watch on the boob tube?
PBS no contest. I have the ap on my Apple TV because I am a yhuge nerdface.

PBS, Really?
Don't hate on my massive brain. 

What celebrity, living or dead, do you most identify with?
Easy. I'm a 50/50 mix between Zooey DeChanel and Frank Zappa

(Interviewer then snort-laughed, spilled wine all over me and exclaimed, "Nailed it!")

If you were a mean girl in a high school movie and you were to enter the cafeteria in slow motion, what song would be playing?
Iron man, duh. (nailed it again)

If you could be doing anything right now what would you do?
Build a massive pillow fort and read magazines in it.

Really? You can do anything at all and you'd build a fort?
You gotta trust your gut on these things.

Should we do that then?
I'll get the spare sheets, you pour more wine. 

(Interviewer and interviewee then took a fort break to build a fort. The interview continues from inside said fort.) 

You mentioned that you do stand up comedy, What is your comedy act about?
Right now? Regressive liberalism, pseudo science, Mormons and diarrhea. 

Besides fort building, what else do you do in you're spare time?
Masturbation and Yoga. I started doing it about 5 years ago and it changed my life, I love it. Yoga, I mean, not masturbation... but that was definitely a game changer too, in its day. Also food cooking. 

Food cooking? Is there any other kind of cooking?
Ummm, yes. Meth cooking. And I don't do that, I food cook, only.

What is meth cooking?
The opposite of food cooking. 

So, you don't cook meth now, but you used to because you're dirty dirty white trash from the south? 
I will uppercut you so hard in the twat you'll be picking your crabs out of your teeth. I food cook dammit! Only food cook! 

Ok ok, I'm done... So what's your favorite type of meth to cook?
Ask your mom.

(Interviewer laughs like a drunk witch, punches me in the elbow and calls me a 'douche bean') 

Ok, then what dish do you most like to food cook?
chilli. I makes the chilli so good it has divided families. 

Oh really, what family did you divide with chilli?
Ask your mom. 

(More snort laughter followed by a second elbow punch that morphed into an allegedly accidental tit punch) 

Is homewrecking chilli your favorite food, you scabby blonde hobo?
No. My favorite food is bread. Bread is everyone's favorite food. 

(Interviewer emphatically agrees and asks If Interviewee has any bread. So we had to take a brief bread break.)

Ok rapid fire question time! Answer in one word: 

What is your favorite sexual position?
climax

What would people be surprised you like? 
Toupees

What would people be surprised you hate?
Thrones

Game Of... Or just large fancy chairs? 
Both

Marry, kill, bang: Tom hanks, Justin Trudeau, Heath ledger, GO!
That's not one word answer-able! 

Do it anyway! 
Ok I'd Marry Justin because I'd be queen of Canada, bang Tom hanks because Tom hanks and kill Heath ledger because he's already dead, allegedly.

Favorite 90s jam?
All of them

That's not one word! 
Ok NOW we're doing one word again? Ok. 

Shut up. This is serious. What kind of underwear are you, if you are underwear? 
Boxer-briefs

If you were a type of cook food, what would you be?
Macaroni

If you were a crayon color, which one would you be?
Macaroni

What is the funniest thing that happened to you recently?
Fart

If you were a minion, what would your name be? 
Fart McMacaroni  

What do you want to be when you grow up? 
Minion

Favorite English word?
Macaroni

Favorite non-English word? 
Macaroni

If you had a DJ name what would it be?
Macaroni McFart Fart

Describe the word yellow to someone who can't see?
Macaroni. Also, want to change favorite sexual position to macaroni.

Ok, were clearly done here.
Macaroni


( interviewer and interviewee then ate bread and tacos and watched cast away in the fort and lived happily ever after.)

*Dedicated to the memory of Tom Hanks